Sometimes things just work out, but not with religion

I guess it’s no secret that I’m a little bit scatterbrained. I forget shit all the time, sometimes it’s important shit, but mostly it’s just stupid shit. I forget my cell phone, wallet, condoms, lunch, the list goes on and on. I think if you ask my right hand man, he’ll tell you I’m the most forgetful driver at work. I forget bills of lading, directions and I forgot to hand in log sheets, for two and a half months straight. I’ve always been like that, I don’t know why, I just am.

The question I asked myself today was this:  How have I made it so far in life? I’ve forgotten to not jump off of bridges, cliffs and rooftops, I’ve also forgotten to not smash up and roll several vehicles, some at high rates of speed. I’ve forgotten to test ice thickness on a few occasions, and that just because there’s meat on your arm, doesn’t mean you should run it through a meat slicer. A couple of times I’ve forgotten that drugs are bad, to only drink in moderation, and sometimes you should just keep your mouth shut, no matter the injustices that are being demonstrated. I’ve forgotten to stay out of shotgun range while duck hunting, and running swiftly through the woods in a brown jacket isn’t a smart thing to do during deer season.

I guess I’m just lucky when it comes to staying alive. What other explanation is there? Maybe God has been trying really hard to prove his existence to me? He’s up there yelling “What the fuck does it take to convince this simple bastard?”

Yeah? Well too bad God, it’s going to take a lot more than that, you spiteful bastard.

C’mon really, has anyone read the Old Testament? He hated anyone that wasn’t an Israelite and ordered their death. It’s cool though, they deserved it. I don’t know how I got back onto the topic of religion, but while I’m here we might as well run with it.  The Old Testament (from here on in the OT) tells us that we can just go and marry anyone by telling them that God told us to. It also promotes incest with several key bible folk, but I’m going to focus on Lot and his dirty daughters, because I have a picture of those handsome wenches getting their old man all hammered up and going to town on him. Well, it maybe isn’t that descriptive, but just imagine the scene.

Lot don't look so drunk here, does he? Getting all freaky deaky up in this mofo.

Hold on a second, according to the OT, Lot was so drunk “he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.”[v.33,35]. Now I’m no expert, but I do have a bit of experience with getting drunk and trying to have the intercourse with women. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but take a look at his daughters. I’d have a hard time getting it up sober, let alone with such a belly full of wine that I was unable to figure out my big-shouldered daughter was climbing aboard the ship to motherhood. You know if Hell exists I’m going there, so I should probably wrap this up now, but the way I see it, is that if you believe in God, you are probably a deviant.

Hahahaha, I kid. I just like getting you bastards going, you know, turn the tables a bit. Alright, that’s all I have to say, so get back to praying for my soul.

Kiss an angel good morning,

Birdman

P.S. I’m told that when you get really high, this is extremely funny, so if you need a bit of good weed call 555-5555 and ask for Dave. Tell him you want the harvest special.

4 Comments

Filed under Birdman, Humor

4 responses to “Sometimes things just work out, but not with religion

  1. Kendall and Kim

    Amen!

  2. Hey, you’re a better person than I am. At least you’ve read this crap so that you can analyze it. I’ve never (nor do I care to) read the bible. But what you’ve brought up here is just icky. If hell does exist, I think most of us have a first class ticket there. No refunds and no exchanges. Oh well – we’ll just have a grand ol’ party once we’re there. Right?

    • therealbirdman

      I’m a truck driver and I downloaded the bible on mp3 so that I had something to use in my arguments. It doesn’t matter though, you can’t win the war against people’s faith, unless they are weak minded. I guess it’s a good thing that religion targets them. 🙂

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