Wow, that was poor

I don’t know what people hated about Therapy Thursdays, but it sure wasn’t a hit. I’ll try one more time, but maybe won’t make any animal murdering jokes. It’s either everyone loves raccoons, or no one trusts my judgement, (I’m sure that’s not it). Anyhoo, I guess I’ll talk a bit about planning a wedding from the male standpoint, for Stacey.

It's either you eat him, or he'll eat someone's baby

I don’t know how many of you have ever been married, but I sure haven’t. I thought I could just get married on Tick Island and rent the Harwood Community Centre for the reception. Seemed pretty low key and familiar, and I’m sure it wouldn’t cost too much, but apparently my definition of low key is the same as other people’s definition of low rent. I was originally going to plan the wedding, but as my designs became known to the powers that be (all female), the reins were slowly taken from my hands, sort of like the teaser of driving you get when you’re a kid. You know, when your dad sits you on his knee and has his hands hovering over the wheel as you slowly creep along. Well I found out that even though he’s all excited and exclaiming,  “Hey buddy, you’re driving.”, you really aren’t. I thought that I’d like to speed up and do a power slide like on Starsky and Hutch, but when I punched the gas and started to crank the wheel, he slammed on the brakes and started getting mad at me. Nice way to take the wind out of a little boys sails, Daddy Dreamcrusher. I guess what I’m trying to get at, is that I maybe have some strange ideas about how weddings go.

One thing I don’t understand is why do they have to cost so much? Why can’t you just have a bunch of moose roasts and a veggie tray for eats, and a couple of cases of those plastic sixty ouncers that guys used to smuggle up from the States? I think we should have some meat rolls, a crown and anchor wheel and a turkey shoot (before the vows and the booze start flowing), and whoever we know that plays an instrument could jam after the speeches. My sister can get ordained online, and I’d like to hit the thrift stores for the entire wedding party’s attire, and maybe any decorations we would need. I’m thinking we could do the whole wedding for a grand. I also think we should get some boxing gloves, and a makeshift ring, for when people get too much rye into them, and do it all legal like. You know how there is always someone that ruins Christmas? Well, there is always someone who ruins the wedding as well. I think we should have a pool, and everyone kicks in $5 to buy a square. At the end of the night everyone votes on who ruined the wedding, and we reveal who got the right square, they get half, and we get half. That’s what they call a win-win situation.

I tell you, I don’t understand why my duties as a wedding planner were stripped from me, but I do know that I was allowed to get my pal Bill to DJ, and I get to invite a few people that I know. I was also shown where it’s going to be, and I’m allowed to have a bachelor party with old strippers, a camper bus and some cocaine, so I guess that is a good thing. It’s gotta be better than just showing up to my surprise wedding, right?

While we’re on the subject of having no control, changethetopic.com is semi functional, so in the next few days, you will be forced to go there. Yes, it will be against your will, and no, you don’t get any compensation. If you are a subscriber, you will need to subscribe to the new one, when that option is available. There are randomly rotating pictures on the new blog, so if you have any you’d like to see on there, email them to the email that will show up on the contacts page when we get one. I want to thank the unimaginably sweet Mrs. Birdman for all of her hours of grief at the computer getting this going. I am honestly the luckiest SOB in the world to have her, and yes she is for rent, as long as the price is right, and you have her back by bedtime.

I love the cut of your jib,

Birdman

9 Comments

Filed under Humor

9 responses to “Wow, that was poor

  1. I seriously cannot believe you didn’t mention the ninja props for the wedding photos. Oh, and I think you know who my money is on for the ‘wedding ruiner’. 🙂

    This post demands a rebuttal….

  2. Really, Chris? People stealing the idea? I don’t think you need to worry about that, pal… 😉

  3. My husband would love a crown and anchor wheel. Just sayin’

  4. Stacey

    Wow, two shout-outs, I feel almost special:) I think instead of tapping their glasses to get the happy couple to kiss, they should yell out dares for Chris. You know, along the lines of “To prove your love to Gerri, I DARE you to dump your dinner on the floor, have Joey tap dance on it, then scoop it back up and enjoy”. Very Dale Road School, doncha think?

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