Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman

Where is a single person supposed to meet someone living in this town? POF  is full of liars and cheats, the bars here suck, well there really aren’t any, and I don’t go to church (not really looking for a choir boy). After you pay for a babysitter and a taxi to go out of town, you are only left with a few dollars that might buy you one drink to take the edge off, and I sure as hell need more than one if I’m going out….just saying. So please help me, wise and powerful Birdman. You’ve got yourself a fine woman, help me find the love of my life.

Mama needs some sugar

Dear Mama,

You are right about me having a fine woman, but to tell you the truth, I have to credit POF and Facebook for that. If it hadn’t been for me looking on POF during the few days her profile was up, I wouldn’t have known she was single, and I wouldn’t have contacted her. I had met her before, in high school and scattered times after, but we had never really talked and most of the time she was hitched. Enough about me, let’s see if we can’t work out something for you to try.

First off, we have to establish what it is you are looking for. From your letter I see you are a drinker. This is a good start. I would go to your local liquor store and sit in the parking lot until you see a cute guy go in. Now, it’s important to watch what he comes out with. If it’s a case of beer, or a forty oz of whiskey, rum, or vodka(gin is ok, if he’s a limey) then he’s probably single and you need to follow his ass home. When he gets there, you need to take some photos of the property and make a note of his address. If there are more than one vehicle, you’ll need to make sure you have pics with the plate numbers recognizable. Now go home and google the address to find out what you can about the situation. If he’s single, a widower or recently divorced, you are in luck. Grab some chloroform and pretend you’re delivering pizza. If you don’t learn much from the net, you’ll have to take the plate numbers down to the police station, and work some charm. I’m not going to lie; you’ll probably have to blow someone to get the info you need, but don’t worry, it’ll be quick, because of the danger factor, and well worth the trouble. Voila, now you know how many people live there, and you can plan the assault date from home, because you were smart enough to take photos of the layout beforehand.

Sundown, you’d better take care, if I find you’ve been creeping ’round my back stair,

Birdman

Dear Mama,

Once again, I must insist that no one ever take Birdman’s advice for any reason, ever, unless you enjoy the comfort and reliability of 3 squares behind bars.  Now, let’s move on.

Mama, I know what you are talking about.  I’ve been there myself.  There is a world of unsavory characters out there waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting lady.  Some are liars, some are players, some are just without a god damned clue.  The truth is, you won’t know about any of them until you put yourself out there.  I do believe that the best hook-ups happen organically, either through friends or from a mutual interest.  If you haven’t shook the single man tree of every lady friend you know, I suggest you start there.  I also suggest you not immediately discount any nice, single man that is interested in meeting you.  You really never know who might turn out to be a fantastic date, or even a great new friend.

When it comes to places of common interest, there are gyms, clubs and special interest groups.  I know a pile of single fellas that hang out at a camera club I speak to.  Of course, most of them are senior citizens, but that’s beside the point.  What I am getting at, is that a common interest is a pretty decent place to start.

While we are on the subject of ‘starting’, may I offer a few suggestions to all the single ladies (and gentlemen) out there?

  1. Be yourself.  I mean really, who the hell else are you going to be?  Let’s just say that you hate camping and personally own a mug that says “I love not camping”.(ME)  Do you think it is a good idea to wax poetically about your love of all things outdoors if this is the case?  NO.  It’s a case of false advertising to the person you are attempting to lure in with your tall tales.  It is a much better plan to be honest, and hope your future mate doesn’t have dreams of canoeing down the amazon with you, squatting to pee together, and cooking your own freshly-killed forest creatures over an open hearth.
  2. Know that you are GOOD STUFF.  For real.  You are!  If you don’t believe that, you better understand that no-one else will either.  You are your biggest cheerleader, so you best brush off your pom-poms and get ready to self-promote.
  3. Be honest.  You don’t have to tell him (or her) about the time you dated the entire football team in one week, but you should be fairly forthcoming about your likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams for the future.  If you want a mess of kids, you ought to mention that.  Also, if you have shut that factory down, you might note that as well.  There is nothing worse than finding out that you really like someone who has fundamental differences in their beliefs and future plans.  As well, you will have to bring up the football team eventually.  I’m just sayin’.
  4. Understand that someone who wants to get to know you better will do everything in their power to do just that.  There will be no need to avoid you, not-return your calls and texts, and generally leave you wondering what the hell is going on.  See troubling behavior as soon as it manifests itself, and save yourself the heart-ache of throwing yourself at someone who isn’t interested.  Or isn’t interested ENOUGH.  Remember the ‘you’re good stuff” part?  Keep remembering that.
  5. Don’t take it personally.  Any potential person is either a match or he or she isn’t.  Don’t get bent out of shape if he/she isn’t into you.  You don’t like everyone YOU meet, do you?  Well then?  Cut yourself some slack.  Remember ‘Mystery Date’?  Sometimes it’s a DREAM… (oooooh!)  Sometimes it’s a DUD.  (ewwww).   Shit happens.

Mystery Date...a fun diversion for lonely spinsters. Nah...just kiddin'! 😉

I think that’s all I have for you, Mama.  I know that I have met the man of my dreams, and he is perfect for me in every way.  Note I said he’s perfect FOR ME.  There are lots of fine ladies that tossed him back into the proverbial pond to try for another fish, and for that I will always be grateful.  He was ready for me when I was ready for him.  Match. Set. Point.  🙂  (Yes, I did just totally make a tennis reference when I know NOTHING about tennis.  I’m crazy like that).  What worked for me may not work for you, but you won’t know until you get out there and give it a shot.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

Mama he’s crazy…(for not dating you),

Mrs. Birdman

*Send your questions or problems to – birdman@changethetopic.com *

 

3 Comments

Filed under Advice, Birdman, Humor, Mrs. Birdman

3 responses to “Therapy Thursday

  1. Vette

    Once again, GREAT advice Mrs.Birdman! Really Mama, you need to listen to that woman. she is S.M.R.T all right.

    On the other hand, ignore Birdman. He just wants everyone to get arrested for stalking. Like he did in the mid 90’s.

    • Thank you Yvette! You are the only religious reader of Therapy Thursday so I am always thankful when you fall into my trap of feeling obligated to shower me with praise. 🙂 You are right on the money about Birdman though…he shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with normal folk. 😉

  2. Thanks Bridman. Once again you are helping a man in need of assault. Blessed be your heart.

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