Well, I guess I got some splainin’ to do

In light of my baby’s post yesterday, I feel that we need to clear some things up. First of all, I’m not an average man. I don’t really enjoy wasting time watching sports, car and truck shows or porn. Porn for me is a last ditch effort at getting to sleep. Sure I’ve watched porn, and thought of how nice it would be to grab hold of the tiny little filly that seems to want to do anything and everything I want to do, only in a much more energetic fashion. With me, it’s not how the girl looks that turns me on, it’s all of the dirty things she’s doing in the porno, and the enthusiastic way she’s doing it. I mean she is really loving this shit. Yes, I realize that she’s a paid actor and isn’t really loving it, but she sure is moaning with pleasure a lot, and telling the guy how big, and how good he is. I like to hear that. Just like when I’m cocooning, I love it when Mrs. Birdman strokes my ego, because it shows that she either wants me to feel good about myself, she just wants me to get off of her, or I really am a huge, muscly sexual god that has the stamina and ferociousness of a wolf. Of course I’m sticking with the third choice, but I suspect it’s number one.

He's the exception

I really feel for you women, and I mean that sincerely. I know what it’s like to be judged on looks and body. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m short, and a little overweight. I was never a hot guy in all my time on earth, but I was relatively nice, and I could make people laugh; I was the “safe” friend. I can remember countless girls that I had crushes on, telling me that they felt safe with me, or that they knew they could get drunk and sleep in the same bed as me, and knew I wasn’t going to rape them. Basically I was their gay boyfriend, that sadly wasn’t attracted to men. Do you have any clue what it’s like to have deep feelings for someone, and you know that they don’t feel the same? Of course you do; Everyone does. It used to drive me nuts, until I saw some of my alternatives. I could be the boyfriend that called them ignorant names like “slut” and “whore” to impress his friends, the guy who ignored them until he had nothing better to do, the guy that wouldn’t take “NO” for an answer after she’d had a few drinks, or the guy who cheated with who knows how many other girls. No, I’ll take the safe friend over those pieces of shit any day. Do you know why? It wasn’t because I didn’t have want to get a piece of ass at a party, or even go a little further than a girl wanted to. It was because there were enough of those fucking douchebags to go around, and I saw that these girls needed someone who wouldn’t treat them like garbage, even if it meant I wasn’t getting any. I quit wanting to be the guy with the six-pack, nice hair, or fast car. I wanted to be the anti-douchebag. I’m not saying I didn’t get a little frisky after a few libations, but I never consciously tried to push someone past their comfort zone. If I did, I apologize now; that shit is uncalled for.

I see you drooling, and I don't care. Pass the nachos, please

You see, the problem you women face, is the same problem a lot of us guys face. We are the “nice” guys. We don’t have it in us to be that guy that all the women love. We do however, have it in us to be the guy that one woman loves. We may try, or have tried to be the cool guy that has his choice of women and throws them away as fast as he gets them, but we never succeed at it. I’m kinda glad I wasn’t like that. My mom raised me to treat women with respect until they had proven that they didn’t deserve it. I still live by that rule today, but with all people, not just women.  I know that we seem to not care about women going on and on about Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or whoever the hottest guy is now, and maybe we don’t. That’s because we quit giving a shit long before you women ever did. You’ll probably find that we give up a lot in life, because of frustration, embarrassment, or just plain laziness. There’s a reason we’re so fat you know; we just gave up trying to impress you ladies and we enjoy our food and drinks. Fuck salad, and fuck tofu. I love the taste of steak, and I don’t care if I get diarrhea from it. We get to the point where we figure that you will either love us, or you won’t. You choose.

I’m not saying that it’s right, and some people will argue about it being animal nature to select the strongest specimen for breeding, but I’m not having any kids, so I guess I’ll take the love of my life over the rock hard abs and the buns of steel. I guess there are way more women trying to have a future hockey player baby, than a fat comedian baby. Oh well, their loss. I would much rather be short, fat and jolly, than physically fit, rich, and handsome. Wait, is that right? Oh, I forgot a few things. I should also add that I’d rather be well loved by the people who matter, than an arrogant douchebag.

I absolutely love my life, and the struggles I’ve had with money, work, and love, have led me to the place I am, with the people I have around me. I love my family and my friends, but more than that, I like them. There’s not very many people that get both, so if you do, hang on to it, it’s much more valuable than you know.

Gonna climb a mountain, the highest mountain, gonna jump off, nobody gonna know,

Birdman

4 Comments

Filed under Birdman, Humor, Life

4 responses to “Well, I guess I got some splainin’ to do

  1. Kari

    For the record, no drool over here. Too fake-looking, shaved chest, BABY OIL, FFS? Ick.

  2. Vette

    I wanna be loved for me. Not who someone else thinks I should be. I can only be the me I can. Love me or leave.

    I love you Birdman. and if we ever sleep in the same bed, drunk, I promise to take advantage of you.

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