Sweet Jesus of Nazareth

(editor’s note – share this with any asshole friends that are constantly posting these idiocies, and if it’s shared to you, you are probably the asshole friend.)

What the hell is wrong with everyone? When I say “everyone”, I mean a select few that keep clicking on those Facebook virus things. Smarten up people, because you aren’t making any friends like that. Now, to be fair, I can’t say that they are all viruses, some are just phishing scams to try and get you to divulge your info, and some are malware that try to extract whatever information they can from you and all of your friends. Whether they are all viruses or not, they are bad, and I don’t want them near me. I get enough viruses and disease from wearing the same underwear as Smarty Pantaloons; I don’t need you bastards spreading more shit in my general area.

That must be my high school shop teacher

I know that right now you’re saying to yourself, “But how do I know what’s a virus or not? They don’t say VIRUS right on them.” I’ll tell you the answer to this age old riddle. YOU GOOGLE THAT SHIT. If it entices you to look at it, then it’s worth checking out first, and if you’re too lazy to look it up, then don’t click on it. If you already do click on them, and believe me I’ve seen the same people thanking Walmart and Tim Hortons over and over again, just delete me as a friend. If you need to see some woman spitting out a huge baby, or some other idiot killing herself on the webcam because of what her father did to her, then please go to my profile, hover over the little button that says “Friends” and follow the drop-down to the word “Unfriend” and click the shit out of that motherfucker.

You are probably clicking on this as we speak. Aren't you, pinhead?

Hey, it’s nothing personal, I just get very angry that you do stupid shit. I know we all do stupid shit, and we all pay for our idiotic mistakes, but for some reason this makes me madder than pretty well anything. I think that if I were to compare it to a physical action, it would be like walking up to me in the street, pulling down your pants, and ramming my face into your unwashed crotch while your tone deaf cousin is singing anything by Ace of Base or In Sync at the top of her lungs.  I know that Bugsy might enjoy that shit, but I thoroughly do not. I really don’t understand the appeal of seeing a roller coaster crash that a bunch of people died in, or a colony of spiders erupting out of someone’s skin. I do understand curiosity, and clicking on those videos once, but once you realize that it doesn’t work, please stop. I don’t mean once for each scam, I mean one click, and then no more clicking. I wish that every mouse had the capability to break whatever finger is touching the left click button. You wouldn’t be so free with your carefree surfing then, would you?

BITCH, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!!!

I’m sorry, but this is just the way I am, and it’s not the only thing that drives me crazy. I also hate it when you try to see who is viewing your profile and who your biggest stalkers are. Not only because I don’t want you to know that I viewed your profile 38 times last week, but also because there is no fucking app in the world that can tell you that. Seriously, there isn’t. I know that some of you are disappointed and some of you are wiping the beads of sweat that have suddenly appeared on your forehead, but there will never be an app to do these amazing things. Facebook has clearly stated that. Those greedy fuckers have to protect their key demographic of curious creepers, duck-lipped teenage girls, and crazy stalker exes. Don’t look at me like that, every one of us has been at least two of them at one point in our lives. The kissing cousin of that one is the “see who defriended you” app. Now this one kind of works in a strange way. If you click it, I defriend you. It’s almost guaranteed for you to see me defriend you as soon as I notice you have clicked it.

Like you could resist squeezing that thing

Some of you are chortling (that’s for you, Kari) to yourself right now, thinking of the time you clicked one of these things, but nothing happened. You may be telling yourself that your Facebook friendship must mean a lot to the Birdman, and he wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. Well, you would be wrong, and Mrs. Birdman, along with several others, will testify that I have deleted some of my closest friends for their infractions against humanity. No, if you didn’t get deleted, it’s because I didn’t notice it, or went to look, and you had already wiped away all traces of the evidence. I realize that I must really seem to think that I’m one slick cat, giving orders on what you have to do to be my friend, but that’s not true. Facebook doesn’t mean anything to me, in the same way that sex didn’t mean anything to me when I was single. It’s purely recreational, and shouldn’t affect our real life. Turns out that some people take their sex a little too seriously, just as some take their Facebooking a bit too seriously. You will actually notice that often they are the same people, and that stalkers can adapt to any terrain quite easily. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have casual sex, just don’t fuck people that own cars, guns or computers.

The internet is full of porn. Do you really need to gamble on this?

Now, if you do click on the Facebook scam things and I delete you as a friend, I totally understand if you don’t want to be my friend in real life anymore. Facebook is an extension of our true feelings, right? I mean, we are actually good friends with everyone on our friend list, and if we delete someone it must surely mean that we don’t want to ever see them again. Give your head a shake. It means that I don’t need you clicking on virus-like objects, and possibly sending them to me. It’s that simple. If you add me again, I’ll explain why I deleted you, and ask you to not do that again. No hard feelings.

It don’t make no sense that common sense, don’t make no sense no more,

Birdman

P.S. From the title, you thought I was going to go into a rant about how I think religion is bullshit, didn’t you. Well I’m not, and I was just using it as a way to make the religious people read my blog. Oh by the way religion is bullshit. Haha, I pulled one over on the religionoids.

6 Comments

Filed under Birdman, Humor, Rant

6 responses to “Sweet Jesus of Nazareth

  1. Scotty P

    I must confess, I did check out the Tim Horton’s one a while back, but it it was Timmies. I LOVE Timmies. I know, no excuse…

    What drives me insane with this shit, is the willingness for some people to share ALL the info they have plugged in about themselves on facebook. Unscrupulous people don’t need much info to start a full blown identity theft. Be smarter than these shit rats and just abstain from stupid clickage.

    If you find yourself going into convulsions because you just have to see what that father did to his daughter, then check it out on google or snopes to see if it’s legit or not. (www.snopes.com is a site to check out urban legends and other kinds of phoney shit) Then, if you still click on it, you will face the consequences and ridicule of Birdman as well as see an increase in spam emails and maybe a few weeks later a bill from that credit card you never ordered from that bank you’ve never heard of either. Now, you’ve been warned; click away mon ami.

    • therealbirdman

      Yep, I just google whatever it uses as it’s title and it usually takes me to snopes or another security site. You can be pretty sure that if it isn’t a Youtube video, or coming from the store’s site, that it’s a scam. I like the free Walmart gift card one that is walcart.com. Morons

  2. Brad Rose

    How the hell did I get herpes from clicking on your link?

  3. Brad Rose

    Well played Birdman, well played.

  4. Vette

    Sorry Dude. My mouse slipped when I went to delete it. My bad.

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