Whoring around

It's not just a rumour, folks

Maybe it’s just me, but I think that all single women should do it. Whoring around, that is. Single men too, but only because they’re the ones who tell about it. It’s not that I think I’ll be getting any more sex from it; that would probably kill me. I just like hearing about how much sex everyone is having, and now nobody ever talks about it. It used to be that you’d go out for a few beer with some buddies, and the conversations always turned to who was having sex with whom. Nowadays, I’d be happy for a story about a quick handjob by a dude at the Halfway River rest area. I know the Sharpie message beside the toilet said he wanted more than that, but sometimes a fella just doesn’t have the time for all the bells and whistles. It’s like “Hey man, I have a job to do too; so how about you quit your clingy neck kissing, and get yours done, so we can all get on with our day?” Ummm, I’m just ad-libbing what the guy might have said, if he was telling me the story from his point of view.

But really, why not go out and have protected sex with all of the single people you meet? You could even incorporate couples into your Swinging Rolodex (if there is still such a thing), and make three people very happy (wink wink). Think of all the stories I would tell hear then. It would be phenomenal if you ask me, but for some reason you ladies are all classy and shit, and don’t want to get a reputation. Well, I have news for you. I have already told everyone that you have been with no less than three men/women in a night, so your name precedes you and you might as well get out there and have fun with it.

Nah, I’m just kidding about telling everyone you’re a ho, but really, you should practice up for when you get married. You don’t want to find the perfect guy, and have him leave you for a more promiscuous version of yourself, do you? Well then… get sexing up everyone that will let you and report back to me with all the juicy deets. I just used a modern slang term. I’m pretty cool, huh? Ah, deets. Seriously, as long as he’s not a psycho (Irish), or  four legged, what’s the hold up? If you aren’t willing to give it up, you could at least give some oral. That will get your jaw muscles all toned up, and also give your body the much needed nutrients that it so desperately craves. Which reminds me of a hilarious clip that my baby showed me, some time ago. Here it is. Just below these words. Oh gol durn it, they disabled embedding on the clip. Oh well, here’s the link instead Derrick Comedy’s – Blow Job Girl.

Seriously, this is bad

Well, I found out that it wasn’t all SOPA that kept me from  looking up that clip. It seems the camp has made all searches on the strict setting. That means if you search for “blow job”, you get 0 search results and you surely can’t look at boobies, or so I’m told anyway. I guess I can understand it in a way, but man, what a pain in the anus that is. The camp manager said that there were 21000 hits on the top five porn sites last month, and that all of the bandwith is used up by 10 AM each day. This camp holds 410 people, and probably 380 are men, of that 380, let’s say that 275 are looking at porn. Let’s do the math on that.

21000 porn visits/30 days/ 275 men = 2.55 porn views per day. Now that’s a lot of hand cream and Kleenex. This is just online porn,and I stress this because it doesn’t include the already downloaded or purchased porn that was brought from home. I know I had probably 30 gigs on my hard drive, and I wouldn’t be the only one who thought of that. Unfortunately, I left my hard drive at Aaron’s house, so he’s sitting on a goldmine right now, and doesn’t even know it. (Pssst, it’s in the Mapquest folder, East subfolder, and check out the one with my old neighbour from the apartment. It’s real romantic.)

So ladies, now you know where you can go to get laid, and make a decent buck on the side as a campy, cook, or baker. If you play your cards right, you could get knocked up by a married dude with a good job, and if you don’t tell his wife, you could spend the next eighteen or so years relatively well kept. Whatever you do, don’t get mixed up with the rig pigs, or seismic guys. They fuck around all the time, and if you think their old ladies are going to let you get any of their money, you’ve got another think coming. Nope, you should go for either a construction consultant, a safety lead or a geologist. Those are your safest bets, because most of them are married, and make really good money.

I like this scenario

Oh wait, I like this one too

To get the right one, you need to chat them up, and find the one that loves his wife, and his life more than the rest. Then find out how much he makes and figure out if it’s worth it. Hell yeah it’s worth it. You then need to find out everything you can, by always asking him questions about his family, health, etc… If he has heart troubles, you won’t want to mix too much Viagra in with the roofies, but if he doesn’t; sock it to him baby. After you have learned everything, and properly got the video camera set up, you will need to hop on, and ride that bull. Make sure that you move his hands around, and grunt in a deep voice, so that it seems like he’s really into it. After the deed is done, knock him on the head and wait for him to come to. When he does, pretend you are crying, and tell him that you had to hit him because he was getting too rough, and you don’t think you should see each other anymore; then run away, leaving him shellshocked. In a couple months, make sure you let him know what the test says, and even if it’s negative, make him sweat a bit. You know you’ll have a job for life, or at least until you find your next victim.

Oh yeah, don’t pay attention to the horrible guilty feeling, or the nightmares you will have for ruining someone’s life. I’m sure he had it coming, because all men are pigs, right?

Oh baby I wanna get with ya, and take your picture,

Birdman

2 Comments

Filed under Birdman, Humor

2 responses to “Whoring around

  1. Dustin(Formely Vette)

    Good one Birdman. I am almost ashamed to say that I knew women like that.

    Remember, it’s all fun and games till the test results come back.

    LOL

  2. therealbirdman

    Yeah, I may have embellished a lot of it, but I remember being in camp with a few of them too. Funny thing is, that post started out light and frothy, and then turned dark when I remembered them. Pretty girls don’t always boost your spirits.

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