Tag Archives: humor

Apparently I was a bit flirty

I’m very sorry, but due to my laptop dying, I will be reposting from my phone. I think this is my world trying to get me some sleep. Hopefully I’ll be done these long shifts soon, and will get back to just working twelves. Have a great and joyous Friday, and I’ll try to get the computer fixed if I can over the weekend. Much love to my peeps, and again, I apologize.

For all of you people who think that flirting is cheating, I have a very nice story for you. I have always enjoyed the art of tasteful flirting, and so has Mrs. Birdman (she’s very good at it), but I know a few people that think it’s just wrong to do that, if you’re in a relationship. Well, that may be true… if you’re not in a solid, trust-filled union like mine. Mrs. B knows that I’m not going to stray, because there is no one that wants to bang me, and even if there was, they wouldn’t be able to offer me what she can. If they could, we wouldn’t be together. It also works the other way. If she wanted to jump the bones of some young colt, there is really nothing I can do about it. I know she wouldn’t do that, but she could. I don’t own her, and I never want to. That said, if you are worried about harmless flirting, you should start talking about that shit with each other. It’s not healthy for you, or the two of you as a couple. Anyhow, on with the story.

Yes they are too young for that shit. It's there for effect, and because I'm too lazy to look further

As I was waiting for the dude to sign my bills at my first drop, I went to use the washroom. On my way there, I saw an attractive woman that was maybe in her early fifties. I smiled and said hello, she stopped and said hello back and asked how I was doing. I told her I was fine, and she agreed with me. That put a smile on my face, and I returned the compliment, and then she asked me if I was hitting on her. I told her I wasn’t and as she walked through the door, she turned back and called me cheeky. By then I was grinning from ear to ear. This is not an everyday occurrence, so I was still smiling when I left.

A few drops later, I was pushing the buzzer, trying to get someone to let me in when a dapper fella came over and opened the cage for me. I handed him my bills and said hello. He looked at the bills and told me that he worked in the office, and wasn’t the receiver. I took the bills back and told him it was no problem, I unload the truck myself, when he mentioned that he came to my area once in a while for drinks, and wondered if I’d like to go for a drink with him the next time he was down. I stood there, my tiny brain was trying to process questions like: Why would some dude I have never met, want to go for a drink with me? Why won’t he quit smiling so much? Why is he now kissing the nape of my neck and why didn’t I shave this morning? The last two may just be filler, but what the hell, it’s my story. I guess he could see my mind smoking, and then said. “Oh my God, you’re straight.” I felt foolish, and flattered at the same time. I said that I was straight, so he told me that I shouldn’t be so flirty, and he guessed the drink was off. He then turned and walked out of my life forever. I was still smiling though, and he was too, so I guess it all ended well

The third encounter today was with a newly single, younger woman, that I believe was just looking for someone to get her mind off of someone else. I didn’t care, because I know it’s not going anywhere. We chatted a bit, after I had told her I had someone at home waiting for me, and it was light and fun. There may have been a veiled offer, but nothing inappropriate or cheesy, and by the time I left, we were laughing and feeling better about our day. I had just sat there for an hour and half, and wasn’t even ticked about it. I hope she had her spirits lifted too, because who couldn’t use a little pick-me-up once in a while?

In conclusion, I think that everyone should go out every day and smile, while engaging someone in conversation. It should be someone you don’t know very well, or someone you want to know better. Make them feel sexy, and attractive by paying attention to their eyes, and I think you’ll find yourself feeling sexy as well. Then when you get home, tell your significant other about having a little flirt that day, and take him/her to bed and give them a right good rogering. If you’re single, go and beat the life out of that thing, and flirt better next time, because you really need to get laid.

Get out there and own that shit,

Birdman

P.S. We are not responsible for any stray stalkers, bunny boilers or all around crazy fuckers that you may encounter on your smiling and talking quest.

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Of meetings, good food and better friends

Well, I’m not in fine writing form this morning, but I thought I would let you all know that if Tack says he needs to see you in his office downstairs, DO NOT GO. It’s a trap, and not a very clever one either. I’m a little fuzzy on details, but I think I was molested by Cleopatra, a breathalyzer, Inspector Gadget and Penny. I ate a lot of delicious treats, and I think we finally got rid of all traces of Sour Puss and Tequila Rose from the basement office.We also want to thank Lucille Ball and the surgical team for making sure we were transported safely to and from the party. You guys rock our world.

I hope that the freaky McDonald’s clown is able to stop by the house and check in on Mrs. Birdman while I’m gone, because she might need someone to do some odd jobs around the house, and clowns seem to be pretty handy with that type of thing. I am glad to have so many good friends and neighbours that take the time to invite us to events and make us feel welcome wherever we go. We truly know how lucky we are, because it’s pretty rare to enjoy everybody’s company when you go out. Most parties you go to, there’s always the assholes that everyone sidesteps and avoid like the plague. I have actually locked myself in the can with a six pack before, because it’s more exciting than talking to some people, but not with the friends we have. I do believe every last one of them is interesting and funny, but I’m also drunk when I’m around these magnificent folk, so take that with a grain of salt.

Hey, remember that time I did a Jello shot with the gummi worm and almost choked to death? That was last night. The sad thing is, I forgot about it, and twenty minutes later was choking down another one. Jesus, I’m damn near forty years old, why the hell am I acting like a teenager? I thought I had grown out of the shooter phase many moons ago. I guess it’s the crowd, because when I get around this bunch, I feel like partying like a not very well hung porn star. It’s pretty nice to be around people that make you feel at ease enough to get that hammered, you just don’t have to worry about shit.

So thank you all, and I say that from my old lady, my best man, and my own self, for the fun-filled night and for the friendship. It’s never taken for granted. We have to go now. I got an invite to the $10000 dream prize party, and I need to wash the blood off my hands.

You can’t rollerskate in a buffalo herd,

Birdman

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Therapy Thursdays

Yo Birdman

I have a private question for your advice column. I take it from your blog you are a smoker so here goes…. The guy I was goin to for years is out of the business. I’m looking for someone in the area who can hook me up from time to time. I’m hoping you know someone I might be able to meet. I’m dying here if you could help me out at all I’d really appreciate it.. Thanks Birdman.

Dry and Grounded

Dear Dry and Grounded,

I take it from your demeanor that you have glaucoma or anxiety, and are legally allowed to use marijuana for medical reasons, so I will answer your question.

First of all, I am unable to use marijuana, because of possible drug testing for work, so I am not in anyway an expert on finding a disreputable dispenser of cannabis or it’s derivatives.

That said, I can tell you about a fellow that deals only in the finest medical-grade herbal medicine available. If you go and hang out in front of the mall after 4pm, you will see a guy in a checkered coat. Mention in passing, that the weather is hard on your joints, nerves, eyes or whatever and he will make a call. Don’t ask questions, and don’t stare at his goiter, just get in the black A-Team style van that pulls up. Remember, don’t stare at his goiter.

When you get the things you need, you should head to the Intergalactic Trading Company at 410 1/2 George St N, Peterborough ON, K9H 3R5 (705)-749-3070 and grab yourself a pipe, or a vaporizer for ummmmm, incense.

Enjoy the rest of your day,

Birdman

 

 

 

Now, hold the phone, Dry, if that is indeed your ‘real’ name.  I suspect you realize that MaryJane is neither lawful or recommended under current Canadian law.  I haven’t checked lately, but the last time I heard of someone firing up a spliff in public, there were handcuffs involved.   The police pooh-pooh the use of illegal narcotics in this province, and in all the others too, I suppose.

In the immortal words of Mr. Garrison:

 

However, in the event that my stern warning falls on deaf ears, I want to share a cautionary tale with you.

Once upon a time, there was a young man who loved to curl up with a big gagger and relax on his days off.   One terrible day, he realized that his supplies were getting dangerously low, due to the fact that his rat-faced roommate had been dipping into his secret stash on the sly.

That very day, the young man set out on an epic journey to find some sweet, sweet green.  He met with blank stares and apathy, until one kind soul pointed him to the very gentleman outside the mall with the goiter and the shifty eyes.  After making the required small talk, the black van appeared, and he was unceremoniously shoved into it’s waiting cargo area.

Three days later he awoke in a bathtub filled with ice, and down one kidney.

"Hey...I was USING that!"

 

All I can say is that if I ever need a kidney, the Birdman is all tapped out.  I think you know what I am getting at here.  At least SOMEONE should learn from the Birdman’s mistake.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em,

Mrs. Birdman

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Just swear and blaspheme already, for the love of fucking Christ

Yeah, I’m going to rant about this for a bit, because I feel I’ve been too nice lately. This was brought to my attention by a friend who told me that she didn’t want me to share all of that sentimental shit with her. Well fine then, I shall dazzle you all with my thoughts on people who say gosh, darn, heck, frig and cripes, amongst others.

Alright, now let’s say that the bible is correct, and God does exist, and he is all powerful and all knowing, just like you all think he is. Do you think you’re fooling him by saying “gosh darn it”? No God damn way. He knows exactly what you mean. How about jeepers creepers or jeez? Nope, Jesus knows that you mean him, and worse yet, so does his dad. His dad gets pissed off really easy too. Don’t think that having a child has calmed that angry, old man down. He may have toned it down a bit for the New Testament, but believe you me, he’s still got a mean streak, and it gets worse when he’s drinking.

SINNER!!!!!

Yes, God and Jesus both know you are taking their names in vain, and if you weren’t so scared of them, you would be yelling that shit from the rooftops. It’s kind of like high school, when a bully is talking to you, and you’d tell them how much you like them, and how cool they are, but you really think they are assholes. You know what happens next? You go to a party, drink half a mickey of rye, and start talking about how you’d kick the living piss out of that big bastard. You might even add in that you already did hang a licking on them a few years ago, and he/she was still scared of you. Oh yeah, you’re the big man on campus now, with everyone crowding around asking for your autograph and shit, and that’s when it hits you. A massive fist, followed by several more, and as you start getting closer to the ground, the feet begin their frenzied riverdance all over your head, torso and occasionally your groin. This is exactly what is going to happen to you when God and his posse get a hold of you, except it will be the Devil laying the beating on your ass.

Luckily for me, I don’t believe in God, so I’m safe and free to live my life without fear of persecution from a higher power. I can blaspheme all day long if I want to, and I sometimes do. Jesus H Christ, I hope I’m right about the God not existing thing, or it’s gonna be a hot old afterlife for the Birdman. Just in case I am incorrect in my assumption, I’d like to get all of the Christians to pray for me and my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to end up in Hell, but I’d like to get a cushier job and maybe some perks, like A/C or maybe a sweet log cabin in the woods for my holidays.

As for the swearing part, you should just relax and swear, instead of using the “diet cuss”. The words mean the exact same thing, all except for “frig”. I have yet to hear someone say “I took her home and frigged the crap out of her.”, that just sounds wrong. I’m not saying that no one says that. I just haven’t heard it, and I’ve met a lot of people that take women home. Why is “shit” any different from “crap”? It’s not, and never will be. They can both mean feces, trouble or bad. Why is shit wrong to say around some people then? I don’t know, but it is, and people usually check what they say when they are around the “gentle” people. I’m guilty of it too, but that’s a respect thing. If I know that someone doesn’t swear, I try not to swear around them. I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable, but I would like to raise people’s comfort levels up to mine, so I can be myself around them. I have a foul mouth, and no matter how I try to word things, they always mean the same thing in the end, so what’s the point of mincing words, when you can say it all with a good cuss? Another thing I like to do is to emphasize the curse words when I use them. I think it makes me funnier, and sometimes scarier, and I think we all will agree, that I could stand to be both.

In conclusion, my brothers and sisters, Go forth on your journey of enlightenment, and attend any church on Sunday. While you are there, make sure to say in a moderately loud voice, “I’m not taking any more of your God damn bullshit, Jesus, so you can go to Hell.”, and feel a great weight lift off of your shoulders. I’m just kidding. If you are in church, you should just whisper that shit. It’s quite rude to speak out there. When you are done at church, walk on over to our Facebook page, and enjoy some cookies and punch, you will like it. In case you didn’t understand. I want you to click the link above and go to our Facebook page and then click the like button there.

Michael row that boat ashore,

Birdman

P.S. changethetopic.com is not responsibe for any smitings (or is it smotings?), beatings or rapes by religious zealots, or any other harm that may befall you in the event that people can’t take a fucking joke.

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Occupy your mind

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Occupy your mind

http://changethetopic.com/?p=428

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Therapy Thursday

http://changethetopic.com/?p=346

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