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Author Archives: Birdman
This is some shit I wrote at Aiming Low
This is some shit I wrote at Aiming Low this week. http://ow.ly/ooTAa
Filed under Uncategorized
Whoring around
It's not just a rumour, folks
Maybe it’s just me, but I think that all single women should do it. Whoring around, that is. Single men too, but only because they’re the ones who tell about it. It’s not that I think I’ll be getting any more sex from it; that would probably kill me. I just like hearing about how much sex everyone is having, and now nobody ever talks about it. It used to be that you’d go out for a few beer with some buddies, and the conversations always turned to who was having sex with whom. Nowadays, I’d be happy for a story about a quick handjob by a dude at the Halfway River rest area. I know the Sharpie message beside the toilet said he wanted more than that, but sometimes a fella just doesn’t have the time for all the bells and whistles. It’s like “Hey man, I have a job to do too; so how about you quit your clingy neck kissing, and get yours done, so we can all get on with our day?” Ummm, I’m just ad-libbing what the guy might have said, if he was telling me the story from his point of view.
But really, why not go out and have protected sex with all of the single people you meet? You could even incorporate couples into your Swinging Rolodex (if there is still such a thing), and make three people very happy (wink wink). Think of all the stories I would tell hear then. It would be phenomenal if you ask me, but for some reason you ladies are all classy and shit, and don’t want to get a reputation. Well, I have news for you. I have already told everyone that you have been with no less than three men/women in a night, so your name precedes you and you might as well get out there and have fun with it.
Nah, I’m just kidding about telling everyone you’re a ho, but really, you should practice up for when you get married. You don’t want to find the perfect guy, and have him leave you for a more promiscuous version of yourself, do you? Well then… get sexing up everyone that will let you and report back to me with all the juicy deets. I just used a modern slang term. I’m pretty cool, huh? Ah, deets. Seriously, as long as he’s not a psycho (Irish), or four legged, what’s the hold up? If you aren’t willing to give it up, you could at least give some oral. That will get your jaw muscles all toned up, and also give your body the much needed nutrients that it so desperately craves. Which reminds me of a hilarious clip that my baby showed me, some time ago. Here it is. Just below these words. Oh gol durn it, they disabled embedding on the clip. Oh well, here’s the link instead Derrick Comedy’s – Blow Job Girl.
Seriously, this is bad
Well, I found out that it wasn’t all SOPA that kept me from looking up that clip. It seems the camp has made all searches on the strict setting. That means if you search for “blow job”, you get 0 search results and you surely can’t look at boobies, or so I’m told anyway. I guess I can understand it in a way, but man, what a pain in the anus that is. The camp manager said that there were 21000 hits on the top five porn sites last month, and that all of the bandwith is used up by 10 AM each day. This camp holds 410 people, and probably 380 are men, of that 380, let’s say that 275 are looking at porn. Let’s do the math on that.
21000 porn visits/30 days/ 275 men = 2.55 porn views per day. Now that’s a lot of hand cream and Kleenex. This is just online porn,and I stress this because it doesn’t include the already downloaded or purchased porn that was brought from home. I know I had probably 30 gigs on my hard drive, and I wouldn’t be the only one who thought of that. Unfortunately, I left my hard drive at Aaron’s house, so he’s sitting on a goldmine right now, and doesn’t even know it. (Pssst, it’s in the Mapquest folder, East subfolder, and check out the one with my old neighbour from the apartment. It’s real romantic.)
So ladies, now you know where you can go to get laid, and make a decent buck on the side as a campy, cook, or baker. If you play your cards right, you could get knocked up by a married dude with a good job, and if you don’t tell his wife, you could spend the next eighteen or so years relatively well kept. Whatever you do, don’t get mixed up with the rig pigs, or seismic guys. They fuck around all the time, and if you think their old ladies are going to let you get any of their money, you’ve got another think coming. Nope, you should go for either a construction consultant, a safety lead or a geologist. Those are your safest bets, because most of them are married, and make really good money.
I like this scenario
Oh wait, I like this one too
To get the right one, you need to chat them up, and find the one that loves his wife, and his life more than the rest. Then find out how much he makes and figure out if it’s worth it. Hell yeah it’s worth it. You then need to find out everything you can, by always asking him questions about his family, health, etc… If he has heart troubles, you won’t want to mix too much Viagra in with the roofies, but if he doesn’t; sock it to him baby. After you have learned everything, and properly got the video camera set up, you will need to hop on, and ride that bull. Make sure that you move his hands around, and grunt in a deep voice, so that it seems like he’s really into it. After the deed is done, knock him on the head and wait for him to come to. When he does, pretend you are crying, and tell him that you had to hit him because he was getting too rough, and you don’t think you should see each other anymore; then run away, leaving him shellshocked. In a couple months, make sure you let him know what the test says, and even if it’s negative, make him sweat a bit. You know you’ll have a job for life, or at least until you find your next victim.
Oh yeah, don’t pay attention to the horrible guilty feeling, or the nightmares you will have for ruining someone’s life. I’m sure he had it coming, because all men are pigs, right?
Oh baby I wanna get with ya, and take your picture,
Birdman
SOPA sucks
I got most of a post done, and I still need some things off the web, but because of SOPA blackouts, I can’t get it. Then I thought that I should support the blackouts as well, because it will affect us all. I actually fell asleep while trying to get around all of the strict filters. I really am sorry, but I feel that we should support the efforts to keep the internet free.
Birdman
Filed under Uncategorized
Tale of Two Blogs
I mentioned in some earlier posts about an e-book I got from the Simple Dude. There were all kinds of hints to building a bigger blog, but I thought that most of them seemed cheap and sell outish. I was later thinking that I should try them out, like the book says, to see if they even work, and voila! I now own another blog. It’s completely different than this blog, and I will never tell you the address, because if I did, it would tamper with my findings. I just want to see whether, if I change who I am, I can be a successful blogger. I realize that I should tone down my language, and twisted sense of humour, and I really have, even for this blog. There are some pretty foul thoughts that go through my brain, and it would take a pretty special person to understand that it’s just some of the things that I find funny, or weird.
This guy knows funny
That’s one thing I love about the Missus. She gets me, and she keeps me in check, but not by censoring me. I’ll run something by her, and she will tell me whether it’s funny, or not. If it’s funny, it’s funny. It doesn’t matter what language is in it, or how gross it is. It’s either funny, or it isn’t funny. Sometimes it’s downright hilarious, but because it is a little too raunchy, we don’t put it in the blog. Sometimes she suggests that I don’t put something in the blog, and I do anyhow, and then some people quit reading. Those usually are posts of murdering animals, and I have to agree with her, that they are quite graphic and sad, but I always feel that I have to be as honest as I can with you. That’s why I’m telling you about this new blog. It’s completely different than Change The Topic, because there is no swearing, no real humour (just that dumbed down shit), and no real names. It’s totally anonymous, and it is also a lot of fiction.
I already give you guys all of my real life, and I don’t have a lot of writing time right now, so I’m just putting a paragraph or two of filler in there. That will likely change when I get home, and have a bit of free time. I can tell you folks that read this blog, that I will keep you updated when I start actually following the steps in that other book, because I want you to know how things go. Who knows, it just might work!!! I may become a financially successful blogger, and all I’d have to do is change a few things about how I write. Apparently if you follow this guys advice, the people that follow you will be telling all of their friends about your blog, and they try to promote each other as well, so if it works out like they say, I’ll be getting like 10000 hits a week within a year. I should also add that you have to have decent content as well. I can’t just copy shit from the internet, and expect people to give a damn about it. Who knows, maybe it’ll just be mediocre, and random, like this one, but I’m going to try to focus on the subject, and keep my eye on the prize.
And it's made in Canada
Yeah, I hustle pool. It pays the bills.
Maybe when I’m raking in the millions, and buying everyone subscribed to Change The Topic an electric car, I’ll feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. Another way that I can get that feeling, is to look into Mrs. Birdman’s eyes when she is adoring me in the cocoon, or look in my Mom’s face when I give her that hug she’s waiting for. Those are the things that matter, and as nice as it would be to not have to worry about money, it’s way better to not have to worry about whether anyone loves you. This may seem a little arrogant, but I feel like I am well loved by a lot of people, and in turn, I give that love back. There is a reason that I have so much love around me, and it’s because I surround myself with positive, free thinking, generous people, that aren’t afraid to give someone a compliment, an encouraging word or a big hug whenever they want to. They aren’t trying to “one up” each other, or push someone else down, just to make their life seem better. They want people to succeed at whatever they do, and are always there to help in any way they can. It’s pretty nice that we can actually say that we are proud to have the friends we do. We feel that we’ve accomplished something tremendous when we look around at their smiling faces, and realize that we have more true friends, than most people have acquaintances.
I really mean that. Mrs. Birdman has often remarked at how many friends we now have. I have always taken it for granted, because I seem to be attracted to genuine people, and usually become friends with them. I had always thought that everyone was like that. She assured me that it wasn’t so, and then I started thinking. I began looking at people that were close to me, and thinking about how many friends they have. Some of them had tons, but most had a few close friends, and then the rest were acquaintances. I began to wonder why that was? Maybe they have trust issues, were burned before, or just don’t like people very much. I would really love to know, because we are sort of the opposite, and I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t go out and get a shitload of friends, and have fun with them. I know that’s what I’m planning to do for the rest of my life. I’m going to enjoy the company of people that I admire, respect, and truly like being around. I really can’t think of anything else that I’d like better, because I’ve been a truck driver for the last thirteen years, and have spent most of it alone.
Now it’s my turn to shine, baby.
We sure had fun the last time that we were down there, and when we woke up you had that weird tattoo, and somebody had curled my hair,
Birdman
P.S. We received a somewhat delicate question for Therapy Thursday, and Mrs. Hankey, don’t worry, we will get to it, but it will take a while for me to be able to figure out how to answer that one. Thanks for sending it in.
Money
Fuck money. Yep, I said it. It makes sense now. Yesterday I was all like “I need to work in the oilpatch, so I can have extra money for in the spring, because when I come home, I’ll have to take a shitty paying job that I don’t hate.” Yeah, well I know all kinds of people with shitty paying jobs that seem to enjoy their lives; they don’t have to leave their loved ones at home, while they try to hunt down a couple of bucks. That’s right, they enjoy their lives, and here I am, with my life at an all time high with no apex in sight, but I’m a miserable wretch. What the fuck is wrong with me? I need someone to sit me down and explain things when I get all crazy and shit. Maybe a good sound drubbing would have made me see the light, or an intervention could possibly have been the ticket. Either way, I would rather work two jobs, and get to see my beautiful ladies every night, than spend another month here. Did you see my birthday video? If you didn’t, go back a couple of posts, it’s fucking superlative. Mrs. Birdman made up a surprise video birthday card, and I honestly was laughing through my tears. Some of the people were dear, old friends, some were dear, new friends, but they all had one thing in common, they all wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I can’t even begin to imagine how she pulled it off, but I’m glad she did. It was the kick in the ass that I needed, and after watching it, I thought that I’d better get packed up, and get the fuck out of here, before it’s too late.
It’s about time to go, anyways. The price of natural gas is down, so things are getting pretty slow around here lately. I could go work somewhere else I guess, but I don’t see any point in that. I was going to be leaving in a few weeks anyhow, and I don’t feel like going through the bullshit of getting hired on somewhere, only to leave a few weeks later. Truth be told, I’m just grasping for excuses. Same as I was doing last year when I came home early. I am so in love, that it seems to overrule logic. I get to the point where there will be my intelligent brain in one hand, and my instinctual brain in my other hand. I always seem to drop my intelligent brain on the ground, and it usually ends up with gravel and cigarette butts stuck in the grooves. I didn’t even have to hold them after I watched the video that you guys made. I just decided, right then and there that I was coming home as soon as I can get out of this shitty camp. That’s right, I’m heading home. I called the boss, and told him that I was done as soon as this shale haul was over, but if he needed to work one of the other guys, that he could switch me out whenever.
The Players
Look at his wee little fingers
Of course he'll win; he has a pitchfork for Christ's sake
I’m hoping he’ll take me up on it, but who knows for sure? I guess I could ask God? Nah, I don’t think he/she knows. The only thing God knows how to do is to manipulate poor old Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts to get him/her some more money. God don’t give a shit how they get it either. As long as the Lord receives his due, everyone will be fine. Well, except for the people who can’t afford healthcare, and clean water. They don’t get off so easy, do they? But what they don’t realize is that they are actually the lucky ones, because they are going to be living forever, a lot sooner than everyone else. Oh yes, they are going to the promised land to be with their father, Curt Cobain, and Jesus. They don’t have to suffer here on earth, to help save the rest of the flock and get them on their way to heaven, they are the flock, and it’s time for them to go.
The Stakes
It's just a planet. There are lots of them out there
Anyhow, back to the subject at hand. Money. The root of all evil, or so they say. I think it would be more accurate to say that money is a tool of evil. We are the root. Not you and I per se, but people as a whole. There is corruption in all of us, and you can call it what you want, but it’s all bad. I guess it’s just how we handle it as individuals that sets us apart from each other. I know that some people can resist the urge to rob, cheat and abuse their fellow man, but then there are the ones that seem to thrive on it. They can’t get enough to slake their thirst for money, power or the infliction of pain. I sadly look at the leaders of our countries, religions, and most charities and corporations when I speak of these utterly douchy crimes against humanity.
———–Your Genes———–
Star Trek sucks, bitch
Make me a sammich!!!
Where'd them cookies go?
As a general rule, the average person doesn’t have the greed gene in them. If they do, it is dwarfed by the “drunk and angry” gene, the “I need to get high gene”, and the “I ate too many cookies” gene. Those three are closely related, and while the latter will some times be there on it’s own; it always follows the second one. We just don’t have it in us. I’ve never wanted to get something so bad, that I’d be willing to step on someone to reach it, and I sure wouldn’t throw a friend or co-worker to the wolves, just to get ahead in a career. Maybe I lack ambition, maybe I lack focus, but I sure hope I’m never lacking in integrity or class. I’m just throwing class in there as a hope, because we all know that I could use a little more of that. I should probably get a bit of couth thrown in there as well, because we all know what happens when I’m drinking.
Well, there you go, I’ve rambled on and gone over my thousand words again. Sorry JSA. I don’t know if I ever got to the point, but I’m going to be coming home early, and looking for work, because I’m sick of not slow dancing in the kitchen, cocooning, and tucking kids in. If anybody knows someone that’s looking for a guy to get things done, you let me know. I’m a relatively quick learner, and I have all kinds of hidden talents, so just ask me, and I’ll tell you whether I can do it. I’d prefer a work from home position, but if it’s not too far from Colborne, I’d be cool with anything else. I was thinking about designing and building some high end ice huts, seeing as ice fishing is legal on Rice Lake now, so if you’re looking for one, you know how to reach me. Okay, that about wraps this up, and I hope to see you very soon.
Roll on highway, roll on along, roll on Daddy ‘til you get back home,
Birdman
And now…the rest of the story
We left off yesterday with our heroic twosome having to wash one last D8R, before heading home for the night. As they were running out of water, they started to grin wildly. Could it be that we would be done early? Oh the joy of it, we may be back in time to see the comedy show at The Lido. Yahoo, we ran out of water, we are free of our shackles at last. Now to pack everything up, and head for town.
Yeah, I know all of the high on ice jokes now. Leave it alone
We got back to the Northwoods, quite disheveled because of the hard days work we had put in, and the great fire extinguisher incident of ’12. Before we get to that, I should tell you about the water stand. You know how sometimes you look at something that you have to do, and you just know that you have an easy, time-saving solution? That happened at the water stand, when we were filling up the steamer tanks. We had the tanks as full as we could get them, and I had shut the valve, but there’s always a pipe and a hose full of water. The times before, I had opened the camlocks from the front and the hose popped off, spraying me a little. This time I had figured it out; I’d open it from the side, and stand back. I flipped them partly open, and said to Chin, “I know what to do!” I then gave the ear a kick, and stood there on the ice, waiting for the gush of water to start. It didn’t. Instead, it sprayed out the sides and thoroughly soaked both of my pant legs and a shoe. I looked up and Chin was having quite a snicker at my expense.
Hope we're not to late to watch that burn
We then went to the shop, and cleaned out the steamer. Our work parkas were splattered with grease and other assorted filth, so we decided to pressure wash them off before taking them to the laundromat. I hung mine on the fire extinguisher and cleaned it up all nice like, then Chin took it off and put his on there. As I was spraying it off, Chin said “Whoa”, and pointed down. I was trying to figure out where the soapy foam was coming from, and then I thought ‘what the smell is that?’ (Fuck, I’m clever. Did you see how I combined smell and hell? Pretty good, don’t ya think? I totally shortened that sentence, only to write four more sentences, explaining myself.) Anyhow, we set the fire extinguisher off in his inside pocket, and we fire-proofed his left foot. After opening all the doors to let the cloud of bitter tasting dust blow out, we squeegeed up the piles of powder on the floor, and called the boss. Well, someone needs to get that extinguisher charged, and get a new pin for it. I don’t know where the old one went, but it sure wasn’t there.
I said to make her hair look pretty
So we’re in the hotel, covered in grease and grime, and getting into the shower. I had called ahead to The Lido when we were on our way back, to get tickets to Laugh Your Ice Off. It coincides with the High on Ice Festival, and they always get top notch comedians in there. I’ve actually seen quite a few shows of all types there, and I’ve yet to have a bad experience. I’ve also spoken with five performers that have played that venue, and they all love playing there. Brian, Byron, and staff have done a beautiful job of fixing the old cinema up. I remember when I first came to Fort St. John, and the Lido was the only movie theatre in town. I went and saw the Fellowship Of The Ring on my birthday, and gave a homeless guy my last four dollars. I was broke, and it wasn’t going to do me any good. I only had to go one more day, and I was getting some money for four night shifts hauling clay to pad a lease. The movie was amazing, and worth not eating supper that night, but all in all, my birthday was pretty depressing. That was eleven years ago tomorrow (Monday), and one of the darkest periods of my life. I guess I just didn’t know it at the time.
-28C with the windchill, and Chin needs to rest on the couch
Click on the logo for their website.
And now for something a little more upbeat. Chin and I went to the show, and it was hilarious. Chindaddy wasn’t drinking, so I think I out chortled him, but he said he was laughing on the inside. The opener was pretty good, but Kerry Unger, who was the headliner, kept ’em coming, until I couldn’t breathe, a few times. That was a great show, and although it sometimes got a little much with the mouthy, drunk bitch from Nova Scotia heckling away behind us, it never took away from how funny it was. There’s something about that little theatre that always makes me happy. I think it’s because of all the hard work that went into transforming it from a shutdown old cinema, to a 200 seat multi tiered showplace, that doesn’t have a bad seat. They have built it up in levels, and instead of row seating, there are booths and tables, for a more intimate night out. The acoustics are great, and the staff are top notch. I don’t know how many of you are from FSJ that read this blog, but if you haven’t been to a show at The Lido, get your ass in gear, and get down there; there is something for everyone.
I couldn’t find much on Youtube for Kerry Unger, but here’s one of his songs set to some really bizarre video footage. I don’t understand it, but just shut your eyes, and it will be okay.
I tested positive for loving you,
Birdman
P.S. Remember when I said this was going to be an epic story? I lied. I totally said that to make you come back and support us. Seriously though, tomorrow is going to be a really good one, so I suggest that you tune in for it. I promise you will leave here with a different perspective, or your money back
I guess I should write something new
Don’t ask me why, but I just feel obligated. I guess it could be that I’ve taken on this commitment and enjoy it more than most things that I do. I don’t know why anyone would want to read about my life, but I’m more than happy to share it with you. So brace yourself for the story of the century, because Chin and I did it up right today.
It started at 5:15 am, when I awoke with a start. It seems that I had set my alarm wrong, so I was trying to pick up my phone and figure out how to shut that bitch down. I then realized that it was no mistake; I am working in some sort of hell, where it’s dark and hilly, and you don’t sleep very much. I packed my gear and met Chin at the car, where we danced like no one was watching. A few people actually were watching out of the window and laughing. I think they were laughing with us, because every time I’d smile and laugh while throwing my head back, they would let out a guffaw like you’ve never heard.
We then headed for Tim Horton’s to get Chin’s elixir of the fabled, while I had a green tea, and dreamed of days when I didn’t have to get up so God damned early. We went from there to the shop, to grab the steam truck from the wash bay, and we threw our stuff in it. It’s nice to get past the scales before they open, because neither of us have done up a log book in forever, and then we take that hilly jaunt down highway 29 towards Hudson’s Hope. We jump off at the Farrell Creek Rd. and trek the twenty six kilometres into camp, where we had a delicious breakfast, served by some attractive young ladies, and got some lovely wraps made up in a style that’s slightly reminiscent of Subway. When we were all grubbed up, we drove to the job site down the road and met up with Carl, who didn’t really want us there yet, so he sent us to see Kevin.
Unfortunately Kevin did want us. We are in high demand; the Chin and I, so we unleashed our spool of high pressure/high heat hose and started to furiously wash equipment and pickups. Aaron was there as well, and we ran into Kramer briefly, but didn’t get a chance to talk to him. Aaron kinda slipped into some old habits, so we weren’t able to talk to him much. It seems that it doesn’t matter how old you get; boys always love to play in the dirt. I was transported back in time when I saw him jump up into the hoe with a smile on his face. A time when my life was simpler, but not as full as it is now. When we just worked and played, and nothing seemed to matter much at all to us. I suppose I had a little grin as I watched him climb up there as well, because there are few things that makes me as happy as seeing him smile.
That's not Aaron, it's some guy in Colorado
Before you think I’m getting all Brokeback on you, I’m not. I got thinking about his shit-eating grin as we were packing up and ready to leave, and he sprung one last Cat on us that we didn’t know we had to wash. I begrudgingly went back to tell Chindaddy that we weren’t in fact done yet, like I’d told him, and as we were passing Aaron, Wayne, and Carl, Chin said “Look at him grinning”, and I did. First I thought he meant Carl, who probably has the most unique shit-eating grin that you’ll ever see, but then noticed the smile on Aaron’s face. He’s never been much good at hiding emotion, and that’s probably why I like him so much. Everything is genuine, and you can usually tell if he’s ticked off about something. I like knowing where I stand, and he always lets you know if you are pissing him off. Oh shit, my alarm just went off to get me up; I guess I fell asleep writing…again. Oh well, serves me right for thinking I could pull the coffee table up to the bed and just be “more comfortable”. Looks like this post is a little late, and I’m sorry, but not horribly sorry. I obviously needed some more sleep.
That's not Aaron either. My buddy Mike took this up in Helmet. Not pretty
Back to my pal Aaron, and his purty smile. He has this charming, boyish smile, that I have always loved seeing. Not because I find it attractive, but because it’s completely transparent. If you see it, it means that he’s really happy at that moment. It could be anything that puts it there, a joke, getting onto a machine that was a full time job, so many years ago, or when he’s talking about funny things that happened in days gone by. What I find inspiring, is the smile he gets when he’s with his family. They are the most important things in his world, and it shows when he watches them doing something. Maybe it’s the boys playing with their cars, or Lannie washing their faces after a hearty meal of pizza (it would seem it was just the sauce). Whatever is the cause of that smile; he doesn’t seem to know he’s doing it, and it’s infectious. Sometimes I just think about it at random times, and immediately call him up, because I enjoy hearing his voice, and finding out what’s happening in his life. It’s one of those things that I’d never thought too much about until yesterday, but now that I’ve written this, I’ll remember for next time. I guess I’ll leave off with a picture of my buddy’s smile, and I’ll let you judge for yourselves. There are many reasons why he’s one of my best friends, and that’s probably the one that got the ball rolling. I can’t wait to have him stand by me as I marry the woman of my dreams this summer, and I’m so happy that they will be able to make the long trek across the country.
I'm not saying what put this smile there, but they say that anything goes in Thailand
Do you like the way that you aren’t going to learn about the epic things that happened to Chin and I, because I spent too much time off topic? You can blame Aaron for that.
Pancho was a bandit boys, his horse was fast as polished steel
Wore his gun outside his pants, for all the honest world to feel,
Birdman
Apparently I was a bit flirty
I’m very sorry, but due to my laptop dying, I will be reposting from my phone. I think this is my world trying to get me some sleep. Hopefully I’ll be done these long shifts soon, and will get back to just working twelves. Have a great and joyous Friday, and I’ll try to get the computer fixed if I can over the weekend. Much love to my peeps, and again, I apologize.
For all of you people who think that flirting is cheating, I have a very nice story for you. I have always enjoyed the art of tasteful flirting, and so has Mrs. Birdman (she’s very good at it), but I know a few people that think it’s just wrong to do that, if you’re in a relationship. Well, that may be true… if you’re not in a solid, trust-filled union like mine. Mrs. B knows that I’m not going to stray, because there is no one that wants to bang me, and even if there was, they wouldn’t be able to offer me what she can. If they could, we wouldn’t be together. It also works the other way. If she wanted to jump the bones of some young colt, there is really nothing I can do about it. I know she wouldn’t do that, but she could. I don’t own her, and I never want to. That said, if you are worried about harmless flirting, you should start talking about that shit with each other. It’s not healthy for you, or the two of you as a couple. Anyhow, on with the story.
Yes they are too young for that shit. It's there for effect, and because I'm too lazy to look further
As I was waiting for the dude to sign my bills at my first drop, I went to use the washroom. On my way there, I saw an attractive woman that was maybe in her early fifties. I smiled and said hello, she stopped and said hello back and asked how I was doing. I told her I was fine, and she agreed with me. That put a smile on my face, and I returned the compliment, and then she asked me if I was hitting on her. I told her I wasn’t and as she walked through the door, she turned back and called me cheeky. By then I was grinning from ear to ear. This is not an everyday occurrence, so I was still smiling when I left.
A few drops later, I was pushing the buzzer, trying to get someone to let me in when a dapper fella came over and opened the cage for me. I handed him my bills and said hello. He looked at the bills and told me that he worked in the office, and wasn’t the receiver. I took the bills back and told him it was no problem, I unload the truck myself, when he mentioned that he came to my area once in a while for drinks, and wondered if I’d like to go for a drink with him the next time he was down. I stood there, my tiny brain was trying to process questions like: Why would some dude I have never met, want to go for a drink with me? Why won’t he quit smiling so much? Why is he now kissing the nape of my neck and why didn’t I shave this morning? The last two may just be filler, but what the hell, it’s my story. I guess he could see my mind smoking, and then said. “Oh my God, you’re straight.” I felt foolish, and flattered at the same time. I said that I was straight, so he told me that I shouldn’t be so flirty, and he guessed the drink was off. He then turned and walked out of my life forever. I was still smiling though, and he was too, so I guess it all ended well
The third encounter today was with a newly single, younger woman, that I believe was just looking for someone to get her mind off of someone else. I didn’t care, because I know it’s not going anywhere. We chatted a bit, after I had told her I had someone at home waiting for me, and it was light and fun. There may have been a veiled offer, but nothing inappropriate or cheesy, and by the time I left, we were laughing and feeling better about our day. I had just sat there for an hour and half, and wasn’t even ticked about it. I hope she had her spirits lifted too, because who couldn’t use a little pick-me-up once in a while?
In conclusion, I think that everyone should go out every day and smile, while engaging someone in conversation. It should be someone you don’t know very well, or someone you want to know better. Make them feel sexy, and attractive by paying attention to their eyes, and I think you’ll find yourself feeling sexy as well. Then when you get home, tell your significant other about having a little flirt that day, and take him/her to bed and give them a right good rogering. If you’re single, go and beat the life out of that thing, and flirt better next time, because you really need to get laid.
Get out there and own that shit,
Birdman
P.S. We are not responsible for any stray stalkers, bunny boilers or all around crazy fuckers that you may encounter on your smiling and talking quest.
Let's change the topic 